outro_spection's Journal

Subject:	Back to school.
Time:	7:05 pm.

I'm going back to work on tuesday. After almost 2 months of holidays.
I don't feel like going back to work. Still can't accept the principle of work. To me it's really close to enslavement.
On the other hand, it's going to keep me busy and help me not to think all the time about the people who keep disappointing me all the fucking time. Plus it makes a little money.
The problem, if that's a problem (I can't figure out yet) is that I'll be working in a school, which means kids. Kids everywhere. And I don't really like kids... I hope things will be okay. Besides I will have to get up much earlier that I usually do, it means my sleeping troubles will be back too.

Of course, this summer, I didn't go to the beach. Well I don't really care about the beach to be honest. I just wanted to move, a single day, and to breathe the fresh air by the sea. But I didn't. As usual. As every fucking summer...
I didn't see anyone neither. Not a single friend. Oh am I stupid : I don't have any friend. Well I might consider I have one, but she's leaving so far away (10 hours by plane) that I never see her. She can't afford to come back here. And I'm so fucking scared of taking a plane... So basically, you can consider I have no friend.

Crap year.
Crap world.
Crap existence.

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Subject:	Ultimate try.
Time:	4:23 pm.

Born in 1979 and slowly dying since then.

9 isn't a good number for me. 1999 was a terrible year and so is 2009. This year I've been through difficult things, in addition to the usual disappointments. This year I realized once again, and maybe more than ever, that people are real fuckers.

Since I was born I keep being hurt by people. I keep on hoping but I clearly shouldn't.

I feel bad. Terrible. I am alone and feel lonelier than ever. I'd like to destroy everyone that betrayed me.

Some days I wonder what makes a sane person become crazy. By crazy, I mean real madness, the mental disease, that makes you dangerous. I wonder how much anger has to grow before it finally explodes.

I used to be stronger but to be stronger, I used to protect myself by being aggressive. Wich was uneasy to make friends. So I stopped being agressive, I tried to be nice and helpful. And as a result, I ended up all alone. People used me and dumped me. No friendship in this. Now I feel fragile, vulnerable and miserable. And I hate that. I hate what I became to try to make friends. I used to have more friends when I was said to be aggressive. How logical is that ?

So many questions. Fucking questions with no answers. Someday my brain will burst.

I'm trying to find a way to escape, a way to feel better. But seems like it's a waste of time.

I wonder if there is any solution. Well, actually I think there is no solution. There is only the end.

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